Day 30: What I've Learned About Me

Wow, 30 days already? And I actually made it. I'm sort of proud of myself.

So, what have I learned about myself in the past 30 days?

• I learned that I actually can live my life AND keep my blog somewhat up-to-date
• I learned that I really, really miss writing (I had suspected as much, but now I realize how much)
• I learned that I don't always have to write something profound to be interesting.
• I learned I think best at night before I go to bed (unfortunately, that's usually when I'm most tired too)

And on the non-blog related issues?

• I learned that I actually like doing the domestic life things.
• I learned that I enjoy cooking and don't mind doing the dishes.
• I learned that I really need my "me" time sometimes.
• I learned that it's possible to fight with Jeff and not feel any less close to him in the aftermath.

I probably learned a lot more about myself in the past month, but these are the things that really stick out to me. Now I have to figure out how to challenge myself to keep moving forward with all this new knowledge.

Day 29: A Picture of Me As a Child

Probably one of my family's favorites. Definitely one of mine. This was taken at Oaks Park and I'm pretty sure I was less than two (cuz if I remember correctly, I finally started getting hair that made me look like a girl at two). Check me out on my tiny roller skates! My mom still has them too! Cute, huh?

Day 28: My Favorite Musician and Why

I'm not really sure I have a favorite musician. I have several favorite artists for various reasons, but to narrow it down to one all-time favorite seems impossible to me.

* I love the singer Josh Groban because his voice is the kind to make you melt. Whether he sings in English or Italian or someother language I don't understand, the sound of his voice is enough for me to keep the song turned on.

* I love various bands like Keane, Matchbox 20, Vampire Weekend, and the Foo Fighters simply because I love their sound. They all have a different sound, all very distinct and unique, and I love each of them for it.

* I love Mozart because he gave us such amazing music in his time. It's wonderful music to study by, or relax to, or sometimes just have in the background. I've heard it said that his music can stimulate the mind and that people who listen to it are actually a little smarter. How can you NOT love music that makes you smarter?

* I love Kenny G and the way he plays the sax. His is the music romantic evenings are made from.

* I have a special fondness for Henry Mancini because without him, the song I consider the most beautiful and romantic (Moon River) would never have been. He will always have a special place in my heart for giving me the song to which Jeff proposed and I walked down the aisle to meet my husband.

My guess is that since he has the most special meanings to me, Henry Mancini would be the closest to "my favorite musician" that I can get.

Day 27: A Picture of My Family

Hmm. . .  Well, the problem I face here is trying to determine which family I'm supposed to be considering. I feel like I'm in a transition period of my life and my family is shifting, but into what, exactly, I'm not sure.

Are we talking about my family of origin?

Or my newly established nuclear family?

Is it the combination of the two?

What about the whole crazy lot of them that we spend the holidays with?

See my dilemma here?

Day 26: How I Think People View Me

How I think people view me? My best guess would be with their eyes. But then again, I could be wrong.

Oh, I suppose you're looking for something a bit more profound than that. Well, let me think. . .



I guess first of all, it depends on where you are and who you are asking. When I lived in Tennessee, people saw me as very liberal and kind of stuck up. But here in the Pacific Northwest, I'm seen as somewhat conservative and maybe a uncomfortable in situations.

I'm pretty sure, though, that most people will agree that they think I'm a little bit of a princess. Course, they don't mean it in a bad way; I can't tell you how many people have said that Giselle from Enchanted reminds them of me. That might be true, although I personally don't think I'm that bad.

I think some people probably think I'm a little high maintenance. My husband would tell you that I am a little needy at times. I try not to be, but I guess sometimes I just come across that way.

I'm also pretty sure that most people would say that they view me as a "fashionable" person. I'm not into name brands or keeping up with fashion trends, but according to most my friends, I have a good sense of style and I wear my clothes well. Most my friends and family think of shoes when they think of me. I'm probably the most girly person most my friends know. Is that good or bad? Sometimes I wonder if they see me as shallow and ditzy, something along the lines of a Clueless girl or Legally Blond type. Course, eventually she proved herself to be rather clever, so I guess that wouldn't be too bad.

Most people tell me that they think I'm very smart. I think in reality, I'm just pretending well because most of the time I don't feel as smart as they seem to expect me to be. But I'll take smart over ditzy any day. They think I'm creative and clever. Sometimes I feel like I'll disappoint them if they ever realize how hard some of it is for me.

Some of my friends might think I'm a little too adventurous. I sometimes have no problem going outside of their comfort zone just to try something new. I'm always careful, but I can rarely get my friends to come along with me, which tells me I'm just a little too extreme for them.

My husband sometimes views me as lazy. He's probably right and I try really hard not to be, but I just don't feel the need to do all the things he seems to think should be done sometimes. 

Kids like me, so I know that people have to see something really good in me. I know that almost everyone I'm around usually finds my humor at some point, and somehow everyone seems to get it. I wonder how many of them recognize that really I'm just sarcastic, but try to put a gentle spin on it? Maybe some people do recognize the sarcasm and think that I'm mean. I don't know, cuz they don't tell me that.

I'm better at answering how I hope they view me. I hope people see me as kind and loving, devoted to my friends and family, and reliable. I hope they think of me as giving. I hope when they think of me, it's as smart, fair, funny, gentle, and honest. I hope they see tolerance and non-conformity (at least in the mindless, follow-the-herd mentality). I hope when the time comes, people remember me for the version I try very hard to portray and not so much for the parts I see when I'm inside looking out.

Day 25: 10 Things I Want to Do

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Have children

2. Visit England

3. Get my scrapbooks up-to-date
4. Create a family recipe book
5. Go to a circus
6. Go to Marti Gras in Louisiana
7. Spend my birthday in Hawaii
8. Learn to dance (tap, swing, ballroom, anything. . .)
9. Go to Boston and see the things I missed last time (Fenway Stadium!)
10. Convince Jeff to let me have a dog (he's okay with it on a hypothetical level, now I just have to get it on a reality level)

Day 24: The Last Random Act of Kindness I Encountered

Does it count if it was my husband? He doesn't think so, but sometimes I can't help but be overwhelmed at his kind and thoughtful ways toward me.

I know I mentioned this particular event on Facebook the other day, but it's such an amazing act of kindness (in my opinion) that it deserves being told again:

Jeff and I went to Sears to use some of the gift cards that we had gotten for the wedding. We debated between a power drill and a bedding set and finally settled on a bedding set (but we went back for his drill the next day). The cashier put the comforter-sheets-and-pillowcases set in the largest bag she could find and Jeff carried the awkward package out for me.

When we got outside the store, we saw it was pouring rain (gotta love our great Washington weather). We hadn't brought the umbrella because when we left the apartment, it was clear and dry. The car wasn't too far away, but we would be drenched when we got to it anyway.

Jeff told me to wait where I was (safe and dry under the stores awning) and he would go get the car and bring it to me. I remember thinking "Aw, what a sweet guy!" He left our bulky purchase with me and went out to brave the cold downpour of rain.

That's not the part that surprised me. As much as I appreciated it, it's what I expected any gentleman would do in that situation. No, the thing that got me was after he drove the car around to where I was waiting. I had picked up the bag and was ready to make the run to the car to throw it in the back seat before getting myself in the car when I saw his door open. Jeff jumped out of his seat, ran around the car (in the pouring rain!) and opened my door so that I only had to spend minimal time in the rain. He took the bag from me and put it in thte backseat and then ran around to his seat and got in.

I know, it doesn't seem like much, but Jeff had already braved the wet and was safe and warm in the car. I fully expected to take care of getting myself and the bag in the car on my own. I didn't expect him to give up his dryness once again just to keep me out of the rain as much as possible.

Jeff says that this shouldn't count as a "random act of kindness" because to him there was nothing random about it. It's what he thinks should always be done. He hates that I make a big deal of it, but to me it IS a big thing. Most guys I know (and pretty much all the ones I dated) would only have gone as far as bring the car over to me. After that, it would be every man for himself. But not Jeff. He's just so kind that way.

It's one of the things I love most about him.

Day 23: The Last Thing To Make Me Cry

Yesterday: Memorial Day 2011

Jeff has a tradition to watch the movie Saving Private Ryan on Memorial Day. It helps him remember those who serve our country and all they have to give up for us to have the freedom we take for granted.

I, on the other hand, try to avoid war movies as much as possible. I just don't like seeing the brutality of war (I know, strange coming from someone who loves watching scary movies, but the difference is in the reality vs. fiction. War is real; ghosts are not).

But I do like traditions and I especially like starting to set up "family traditions" with my husband, so I told him I'd sit downstairs while he watched the movie. I couldn't promise I'd watch it, but I'd be there with him.

But I did watch it. I watched the story unfold and I watched all those men die trying to save one young man because he was the last of his brothers to remain in the war. I watched as they desperately tried to avoid sending a fourth letter to the mother that her sacrifice for the countries was the greatest of them all.

At the end of the movie, of course I was in tears. So many lives, so many people, so many lost loved ones.

Jeff left the room and I sat and let the impact of the movie sink in. It was more than just a handful of characters that I had spent the last three hours with. What about all those nameless men slaughtered in the backgrounds? What about ALL the mothers, wives, siblings and children who had to hear that their men would never be returning? What about all the real life soldiers who really had to go through it, watching their friends and companions die off as they kept marching forward in an effort to protect someone they didn't even know and a country they may never see again? By the time Jeff returned to the living room, I was sobbing.

I've always understood the pain and impact of war, but somehow it never seemed as real to me as it did in those few moments while the credits ran. So many people sacrifice so much for me and I'm completely oblivious. And would I be willing to do the same? Would I put myself in the path of war so that someone I didn't know could live a life of freedom? Would I be willing to give up those men in my life, my brothers or my husband, for the same?

After sobbing on his shoulder for a few minutes, I looked at Jeff and said "And this is why I don't watch war movies."

Thank you to all the men and women who have served for our country. And thank you to all the civilians who have let their loved ones go to be our heroes.

Day 22: The Cuteness of My Pet

You really want to hear about how cute my Esther is? Because she's pretty darn cute.

I got Esther when I was in college. She was a surprise gift from my pastor and his family. They knew how much I wanted a kitty and now that I was living off campus, a pet was finally an option. I couldn't say no, but I had failed to mention that my roommate was allergic to cats. But I took her home and by the time Heather came back from Ohio where she was visiting family, I was pretty sure I didn't want to let her go again. She was so darn cute that even Heather was willing to take the allergy meds (which turned out to not be needed as much as we thought since she seemed to grow out of her allergy as she got older).

She's never been a big fan of other animals. When Heather decided that she wanted a cat also, Esther wanted nothing to do with her. She took to hiding out in my room as much as possible. When Heather's cat had kittens, Esther's mothering instinct never surfaced. She despised having all those cats around, even though they were tiny and sweet and never did anything to her. If she had to leave my room to get to the kitchen for food, she'd creep down the hall very carefully and then pause when she got by Heather's room and peek in. If any of the kittens were anywhere close by, she'd hiss at them and bolt the rest of the way to the kitchen. Then she'd gobble her food and race back to the safety of my bedroom.

When, I first moved back to Washington, I was worried that Esther would get lonely without me or a roommate at the house, so I found another cat who needed a home and brought him to live with us. They didn't really get along. Max was friendly, but Esther. . . not so much. Eventually, Max and us had to part ways and both cats are much happier for it.

Of course, then there were the dogs. Jade and Esther came to an understanding pretty quickly that as long as Jade left her alone, Esther would tolerate her presence. Lucca never really got the concept and my poor old kitty started having to run for her life and hide in my closet all the time.

Now there are no other animals at the house, so Esther is once again  free to roam the house at her own pace. She's very affectionate to me and has taken quite a liking to Jeff (although I'm pretty sure that has a lot to do with him giving him the rest of his tuna every morning after making his lunch for work). She still runs around like a psycho kitty, still seems to have her imaginary friends, and still has quite the "only child" attitude.

And speaking of attitude, my kitty is overflowing with it. She only cuddles with us on her terms, is VERY vocal about whether or not we are giving her the attention she desires or feeding her at the speed she expects. She doesn't like change very much, so when Jeff first moved in and we started changing the layout of the living room, she would blame him and give him the cold shoulder (or perhaps it's more accurate to say "the tail"). If we shut the door to the bedroom and she wants to be in there with us, she makes sure to make her displeasure loud and clear. And she rarely lets us walk past her without some kind of acknowledgement, even if it's to yell at her for attacking our ankles.Thankfully, she's declawed (that's part of the reason why).

Despite the fact that she's almost 13 years old, Esther still loves to run around and play at the house. Jeff and I laugh when we see that her race from the kitchen, thru the living room, and up the stairs as if she's being chased by cat-catchers. We can hear her run around the rooms upstairs as she chases invisible toys. I've seen her in a dead sleep on the couch, suddenly wake up, run to the other end of the room, and drop back into a deep sleep. Bad dream, perhaps?

And that's my baby girl. Or maybe more like my teenage brat girl. 

Day 21: Explain My Scars

My apologies to you, my friends, but I will be passing on this challenge. I don't have any physical scars to tell you about. I've never broken anything or had stitches. All my cuts have healed completely; sometimes very, very slowly, but always completely. I've never had anything removed or inserted medically. Obviously, there are no baby scars or even stretch marks to talk about. I've been a very fortunate person so far.

That's not to say there are no scars whatsoever. I have plenty of emotional scars from my childhood, but I really don't want to share the details of those. I'm sure you can understand and forgive me for keeping those scars to myself. At least I hope so.

Day 20: A Regret

I have a hard time thinking of a regret that I have because I think of a regret as something I would do differently if I had the chance. And yes, there are several things that I would do differently in my past or that I wish I did or didn't do, but every experience has worked together to create the person I am right now.

But I do have one regret. As strange as it sounds, I wish I would have studied harder when I was in college. I did enough to get me through, but I don't really feel like I put enough effort into it. I think I was a little tired of the whole studying thing since I went straight to college from high school. I've noticed that since I've been out for 10 years, taking classes is much more exciting and enjoyable. I put so much more effort into the classes that I take now. Before I just wanted to pass; now I want to excel. I'm one of those overachieving students that all the average students hate and I love every minute of it.  I've proven to myself that I am capable of it and sometimes I even like to challenge myself to retake classes I barely passed before just to prove to myself that I can. I really wish I had been that person before. Just think how amazingly brilliant and intimidatingly smart I would be today. . .

Day 19: My Favorite Quote

I am having a lot of trouble picking a favorite. I actually have a small book that I keep near-by that I write down quotes I hear or read that actually say something to me. The quotes come from movies, books, songs, TV shows, inspirational speeches, signs by the road. . . there's no telling where I might find something that I'm going to want to remember. I flipped through it again tonight and was amazed at how hard it is to pick just one favorite. But there is one that is special, one that I read in a story many, many years ago, that I have never forgotten, that has always stuck in my mind, and so I think that is the one I will share tonight. The exact book and author have long been forgotten, unfortunately, but the quote holds firmly in my memory. I do remember the quote was spoken when discussing relationships, but I have a feeling it applies to other things too.

"God always replaces good with better, better with best, and best with his perfect will."

I have to say that in my experience, I've found this to be true.

Day 18: A Picture of Me 10 Years Ago

May, 2001: I graduated from Lee University. I lived in the small town of Cleveland Tennessee. Heather and Brian were my family. And I swore I would never get my hair cut again because I hated how short the stupid hair stylist cut it this time. 

This was me 10 years ago.
 

Day 17: A Youtube Video

There was no doubt in my mind which video I was going to put up today. I don't generally spend a lot of time browsing youtube (actually, I spend none), but I ran across this video on facebook and absolutely loved it. So, my video to share is this one:

How long do you think it would take for me and Jade to learn to do that???

Day 16: A Letter to Someone Who Has Hurt Me Recently

Dear Deema,

I know you were a little worried about this challenge because things have been going so well lately that you can't remember the last time someone hurt you. But was it really necessary to take it out on me? I mean, it's not like you had a bad day at work, so you weren't slamming around the office in a bad mood. And it's not like you haven't been sitting at that particular desk for about 10 months now. You know how high the desk sits, so why do you have to keep slamming my knee into it like you don't realize it was there. Big, ugly bruises don't really go with my lady-like outfits, you know. And it turns out that today you managed to hit a nerve of some kind, so now I'm limping. How do you expect me to wear my pretty heels with confidence and attitude tomorrow?

I understand that you get distracted, and I try to ignore the occasional bump every now and then, but I'd really appreciate it if you would be a little more gentle on my body in the future. It's starting to get old and you really need to start taking better care of it. In return, I'm sure my body will give you many good years with your husband.

Thanks for understanding,
Deema

Day 15: A Picture of Something I Ate Today

How about something I was ABOUT to eat because after I ate it, it was really hard to get a picture of it.

I had lunch with mom and Don today. We ate at the dining room at Clark (which, by the way, is always very good). Mondays are always buffet style. I had Teriyaki Chicken (on a bone!), soy rice, and salad. Yum.

Oh, and we can't forget desert, of course. Super chocolate-y Bunt cake. Double yum!

Day 14: Someone Who Fascinates Me

Okay, before I start this one, I want to make it very clear that I am drawing a clear distinction between the words "fascinate" and "admire". It's possible to admire someone but not really be fascinated by them (as Steph so wonderfully proved in her day 14 challenge). It's also possible to be totally fascinated by someone you have no admiration for at all. This happens to be one of those cases.

My fascination is not so much on one particular person, but rather a "type" of person. For the sake of people who might get overly concerned that I have a twisted mind, I'll stay focused on the fictional versions of the real life people.

As strange as it sounds, I find the criminals represented on Criminal Minds to be intriguingly fascinating. Not because I'm impressed with their deviant behaviors and disregard for human life, but rather because I find it fascinating how differently their minds work from the rest of society. It boggles my mind to try and understand what it is in someone's brain that makes them think it's okay to kill someone just for the sake of killing them, what defect is happening in their pleasure center to make them only satisfied at torturing another human being, what damage has happened for them to disregard the social norms for something understandable to only them. The harder they are to get caught, the more fascinated I become.

Stories about people like the Boston Strangler and Jack the Ripper intrigue me. I abhor what they do to other people, but there's some part of me that wishes I could sit down with them and really hear their side of the story, their thoughts on the matters. I wish I could study their brain functions and really get into how their minds work.

No fear, my friends, there are heroic types that fascinate me too. Sherlock Holmes, although fictional, is another of my major fascinations. I guess what it really comes down to, is I'm fascinated by people who use their brain is ways that are different than the norm. Whether for good or evil, whether I approve or not of the use, doesn't change the fact that their brain works differently than most men and women. And that is what really fascinates me.

Maybe I should have been a counselor or psychiatrist. The brain fascinates me and those people on the fringe of society really make me think.

Does that make me twisted?

Day 13: My Five Attractive (Famous) Guys

Do I have a "type"? I like them tall, dark, handsome, brave, and very smart. And musical. I especially like the ones in the "protector" roles. These are my five picks for attractive men who are not my husband:

David Boreanaz

Of course. He's my number one celebrity crush, now and forever. As Angel, he was dark and brooding with just the hint of angry bad boy. As agent Seely Booth, he's brave and compassionate, the kind of man you would want to rescue you, even if you're not the damsel-in-distress type.

Kevin Costner

An oldie, but a goodie. No matter how old he gets (and let me say, he does age very well anyway) he'll always be Robin Hood to me. Except for those times when I need to feel protected. Then I pull out The Bodyguard and sigh at his power and punch.

Shermar Moore

While Criminal Minds would still be good without him, it wouldn't be quite as worth the watch. From what I understand, this handsome fellow used to be some soap star, but I think he's much more attractive in a less "sappy" type of setting. Hot, hot, hot!

Brendan Hinds

A little lesser known to most, he brings out the secret side of me that finds the geeky guys a bit attractive too. Gotta love a guy with a brain. For those of you who do not recognize this good looking fellow, he plays the super smart (and sometimes a bit too honest) Eli Loker on Lie To Me.

Josh Groban

This is my one pick that I don't get to see very often since he's not an actor. But, oh, his voice! Even if he wasn't a cutie (which he is), he'd have to go on my list simply because of his gorgous singing voice. It makes me melt. Whenever I hear him on the radio I have to stop what I'm doing so that I can thoroughly enjoy the moment. And in fact, I look forward to the Christmas music season all year because he sings not one, but TWO of my favorite Christmas songs (O Holy Night and Believe). Yep, I could sigh over this guy forever.

PS: for fairness sake, I told Jeff he could list his top five attractive famous women. His picks are: Nancy Wilson (from Heart), Selma Hayek, Gabrielle Reece (volleyball player), Eva Mendez, and Ann Hathaway (the movie Get Smart was really what did it for him). He had a very hard time with this one and I put him on the spot, so those are just the five he came up with in the last 15 minutes. He's sure as soon as I hit "publish post" that he'll think of someone else. Oh well, this is my challenge, not his.

Day 12: The Highs and Lows of the Year

Lucky for me, this one is going to be short and sweet. I had an unusually happy and carefree year this past year. I didn't really have many lows and if I did, the highs overshadowed them to the point that they are not even in my memory. And trust me, it's not like I haven't tried to remember. But this is really what I remember of the past year:

The Lows (as far as I can recall):
-- DJ moving back out of town so I can no longer see him all the time.
-- Derrick moving out so I hardly ever see him anymore.
-- Jade moving with Derrick so I hardly see her anymore.

The Highs:
-- Steph and her kids moving across the courtyard so I can see them more often.
-- Meeting Jeff.
-- Dating Jeff.
-- Getting engaged.
-- Marrying Jeff (of course! The biggest high of them all!)

It's amazing to me what a difference a year can make. 

Day 11: Somewhere I'd Like To Move To Or Visit

There was a time, a long time ago, that I wanted to move to Boston and live. I loved the idea of being in the big, sophisticated city; the busyness of my surroundings, taking the subway to the places I needed to go, the expensive yet tiny apartments. It sounded like a great living place.

Of course I knew it wouldn't be a great place for me to raise my family. I'm not a parent, but I'm already aware of things that are taught in the school districts that I do not agree with. But it would have been a fun single life.

Now that I've moved back home, I can't imagine living so far away from my family again. It didn't seem like such a big thing when I was already far away, but after returning home, it's hard to consider leaving again.

 

 But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to travel some. In fact, my dream has always been to go to England. I've been in love with England for as long as I can remember. It seems that all my favorite stories, characters, and ideas came from that royal land across the sea. I want to see the red telephone booths, Big Ben, the Royal Guards, London Bridge, and the wall that Robin Hood (played by the ever attractive Kevin Costner) walked on. I want to walk the streets, eat the food, and read the literature of our motherland. It's one of my strongest and longest standing desires and I'm hoping that one day, getting there will be more than just a dream for me.