For the Love of Shopping

I've been seeing the commercials for the new movie coming out "Confessions of a Shopaholic" and I REALLY want to go out shopping now. Once upon a time in my life, I had the carefree lifestyle that allowed me to spend the day shopping for pretty new clothes for no apparent reason, but that is no longer the case, so my shopping had to be done vicariously: in my head and one the internet.

Since it was a shopping trip of pretend, money was of course no object (although I was pretty proud of the deals I "scored" anyway). Today's fantasy shopping trip was for the Valentine's Day date that I don't have (although in my game, I do!). Here's what I came up with (do not worry if you don't know fashion and can't understand the power of the labels. Just enjoy my good taste in pretty things):

Betsey Johnson

Dolce & Gabbana

Kenneth Jay Lane

Argentino Vivo

Jardin

Of course, even in my most creative imaginary situations, I can't pretend that it's not chilly at night in February in Washington State, so I even found me a pretty coat to cover my new imaginary dress on the way to the romantic date destination:

Kenneth Cole Reaction

A great big "thank you" to bluefly.com for providing me the ideal virtual shopping center for today's mental break.

Creatively Speaking

Yesterday I went to a Stampin' Up party. It was a pretty small gathering, just Barb, Kristina, Kristina's mom, and myself, but it was fun because it was like those days when we would all get together to do scrapbooking. Barb is a natural card maker and already knows how to make beautiful cards, but I need more help with the card stuff. I may be able to make scrapbooks, but cards are a little harder for me. But I had so much fun that I ended up booking my own party. We made a pretty Valentine's Day card and a 6X6 scrapbook page.

Working with paper and creating things got me back in a very creative mood. Now I'm starting to feel ready to pull out all my supplies again and start making things. I have a little of rearranging to do first (the chewing puppy is going to make scrapbooking a little challenging for me now). And besides, my Cricut is spending time with Barb (it's other mother), so it'd be best to wait anyway.

Until then, I thought I'd try to maintain my creativity by showcasing some of my previous projects. This is the 2009 calendar that I gave my mom and Don for Christmas this year:

A Good Ol' Boy

Mom and Don had one of those days today. You know, the day that all pet owners dread. The inevitable day you have to say goodbye to that creature who played such an important part in your existence and you have to start living your life without your best friend.

They got Troy about 5 years ago. The found him on the internet when his previous owner was unable to continue living in a place that would be comfortable for such a large animal. By the time they managed to get a hold of the person looking for Troy's new family, he had already taken the sweet boy to the doggie orphanage. Mom and Don found which one and drove to it because they wanted Troy that badly.

Troy found a wonderful new home with my mom and her husband. They had a big house and a very large property for him to run around and play on, although they realized early on that he preferred the lazy lifestyle of lounging on the porch most days. And they had another dog to keep him company while they were away at work during the days. Even though Troy was along in years, he liked playing with the other dog and when she finally crossed over the Rainbow Bridge, he was very lonely and sad. So they got a puppy to play with him and keep him company. He was a good friend to the new puppy and patiently taught her to help him guard the house and be a faithful companion to the people who had adopted them. He'd even let the pup curl up next to him when she was ready to sleep.

He was a huge dog, large for a lab. Most of us referred to him as a small polar bear. And he behaved like what you'd think a dog-version of a polar bear would be. And everyone loved him. He was patient and easy going when his people were around, but very mischievous when left on his own. He loved to eat and always seemed hungry. He loved it when they had gatherings at the house with food because he could always find someone to steal a bite from. And if all else failed, he was never afraid to just take something that smelled tasty off the counter on his own. His favorite forbidden food was.... sticks of butter!

It was discovered just before Christmas this past year that our sweet boy Troy was sick. Very, very sick. Mom and Don made the difficult decision to take care of Troy from home as best they could because he didn't like going in to see the vet, all the while knowing that there would come an end to his suffering and a beginning to their mourning. Yesterday they realized that time had come. Derrick, Jade and I went over last night to say good-bye and give our love to our old friend.

Troy was a good boy. He was so easy to care for when he was left with the dog sitter (that would be me!). He was a good teacher and guardian to Belle and Lucy (the younger labs). And most of all, he was a faithful and loving companion for Mom and Don for the 5 years he was with them. He's going to be missed greatly.

Rest well, Old Boy. You did well and deserve it. We'll see you on the other side.

This Little Piggy...

As February marches us closer to that wretched day of romance and coupledom, I find myself becoming increasingly bitter and frustrated with my single status. I growl threateningly at the radio for playing commercials about jewelery and flowers. I yell at the TV for lying to me about the idea of that "if your heart is open love will always find a way in" (thanks a lot, Jane Seymour!). I dread the upcoming weddings I will be attending in the next couple of months and feel scorn and disgust with those couples generic enough to set their date for the 14th of February.

And I think (as well as say) a whole lot of things I don't really mean because I'm not really as hateful as this month makes me out to be.

I got the idea this year to take back the day and spend it having fun with my single Single friends. But then I realized I only have two. How sad is that? Only three of us in the world who have no one else to spend Valentine's Day with. I won't even get Jade for the day because Derrick doesn't work on Saturdays.

Just as I was reaching the depths of my self-pity something finally happened to take my mind off my lack of romantic options. The only stress trigger that is stronger than that of being single: money. Or to be more specific: the LACK of money!

All thoughts of my pathetic life fly out my of my mind as I start to realize that I'm on brink of losing everything. The threats are coming in and I have no way to stop them because there is a hole in my bank account that keeps getting deeper despite my best efforts to fill it. Suddenly I remember that I'm drowning and it doesn't matter if I'm single or not. I'm about to go under and not be able to resurface and it scares the self-pity right out of me.

I don't know what to do. Derrick will be moving in with me next month, but a reduction in the rent I pay isn't going to be enough. I'm going to have to do the unthinkable: get a second job.

It's not that I haven't done it before; worked two jobs and/or went to school while working. My life in Tennessee was marked by clocking out from one job and into the next with a few classes thrown in the midst. But I've gotten used to the freedom that a day time, regularly scheduled job brings. I like having my evenings and weekends free, being able to make plans for next week or next month, being able to drop everything and visit out of town friends whenever I want. A second job will be putting the breaks on all that luxury. Sad.

I've scheduled a couple of days off next week so that I can try and pull myself, and hopefully my life, back into some semblance of order. I don't know what I'm going to do, but knowing that I'm going to be doing something about my mess keeps me from going into full blown panic attack. There will be some job searching and a lot of attacking the apartment with a scrub brush. I hope four days is enough.

My friend Steph offered to let me run away to her place for a little while. I've been told by a couple different people that I tend to run away from my problems, and they are probably right, but I'm taking Steph up on the offer anyway. Thanks to her and the upcoming long weekend, I'm going to escape from my reality for a few days. Instead of spending my pathetic existance alone on Valentine's Day, I'm going to surround myself with the greatest kids in Washington, all of whom love me just because I'm me.

We'll play and laugh and not worry about what's going on in Vancouver and when I return, I'll have a clear, calm head, a clean apartment, and hopefully a plan to start taking back the responsibility that I've been avoiding for far too long.

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And the Scarlett in me raises her voice once more: I'll worry about that tomorrow!

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Thoughts on Dating and Romance

So, you're probably wondering when the promised "love and fairy tales" of my story starts to come into play. Well, the truth is: so am I. There seems to be a shortage of Prince Charmings in my life these days and it's starting to bum me out. Where's the handsome prince, heroic white knight, or brooding cowboy who is supposed to come in and whisk me away from my sad, dark, and lonely life to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever?

It's not that there are no men in my life. It's just that the ones I get end up not being the hero I was hoping to find.

TV makes single life look so glamourous and exciting: carefree days of shopping and hanging out with friends, exciting evenings at the coolest night clubs and newest hangouts, and an endless string of romantic dates with charming people who are hopelessly in love with you all ending in hot, passionate sex. If that really is what single life is, then I must be doing something terribly wrong because that's not my life.

I think the biggest problem is that my expectations are too high and possibly a little distorted. But who can blame me when my childhood was filled with the likes of Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty?

Since I was a young child, I had imagined what it would be like when I finally fell in love. I imagined the intense emotion that would consume me and make it impossible to even consider being with anyone else. And I waited and waited to feel that feeling, until one day he opened the door and I fell. Hard. And the feeling was everything I had imagined it to be, both the good and the bad. But the one thing I forgot to imagine was what it would feel like to fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back. That's a pain I could never have prepared myself for.

But with role models like Zack and Kelly, Ross and Rachel, and Carrie and Big, it's no surprise that I believe that my futile cling to the possibility of "eventually" will yeild results when in fact, I'm just wasting my time and growing older.

So, I go out. I go to bars and singles groups and random classes and anything else that I think might create for me a new pool of potentials to choose from. I go out on first dates that lead to nowhere because I know that the man of my dreams isn't going to just fall into my lap one night while I'm sitting at home. Sometimes I managed to go out with someone for an extended amount of time, but all these situations produce the same result eventually: the end. Not "happily ever after" but "the end". Then I have to start all over again.

Obviously this system isn't working. Time for a new plan of action.

So, I let my friends and family talk me into joining eHarmony. Why not, right? I mean, there are commercials telling me about this couple and that couple that met on eHarmony and now live happily ever after. Why not me?

But again, those lofty ideas of what my romance should look like get in my way. I'm firm in my "must haves" because they are non-negotible to me. And I dismiss anyone who I feel lives too far away because I want someone I can hang out with and I don't really want to move. Then I go through what few matches I have left and my heart sinks because of those, attraction doesn't set in. At all.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for Adonis. In fact, I've learned the hard way that guys who are better looking than myself are usually arrogent jerks who know the are good looking. But I do want someone who I can imagine myself kissing at some point in the future. Because what good is it to marry someone who you are not at all attracted to?

It makes me feel shallow, feeling this way. And then I start to feel even worse because I wonder if this is what is wrong with me. Perhaps eHarmony is just a polite way of saying "even the homely can get married" and I'm just yet another mousy girl no one can imagine kissing, so I'm forced to go to the computer and ask some souless mathematical algorithm to find someone who can tolerate me. Maybe all those years I worked to undo the childhood damage to my self-esteem has been wasted because contrary to what my parents told me, the other kids didn't say those things "because they're jealous" or "to make themselves feel better", but in reality because they were true. Maybe the biggest disillusionment I've created for myself is not my idea of what romance should look like, but rather that I could ever be someone who could be loved that way in the first place.

Maybe I'm going to end up having to just settle for whatever I can get, the first person who figures that they would be able to tolerate me for a lifetime even if it's a passionless and semi-platonic kind of relationship. Maybe giving up my childhood hopes and dreams of true love is the only way that I will be able to avoid spending the rest of my life labeled as "single".

Or maybe I should just get a dog. Maybe that would solve all my problems right there.

The more time I spend with Jade, the more I realize that the things I'm looking for in my future relationship are consistanly given to me without question by the innocent puppy who loves me unconditionally and without reservation. She's always happy to see me, never making me feel like I'm interrupting or imposing on her time. She cuddles next to me and is very free with the kisses (sometimes a bit too much so, but who am I to complain?). She only sees the good in me and never holds my anger or frustration against me. And she trust me. Without hesistation, without doubt, without fear. Complete and honest trust.

And isn't that the kind of love that I'm looking for anyway?