Thoughts on Dating and Romance

So, you're probably wondering when the promised "love and fairy tales" of my story starts to come into play. Well, the truth is: so am I. There seems to be a shortage of Prince Charmings in my life these days and it's starting to bum me out. Where's the handsome prince, heroic white knight, or brooding cowboy who is supposed to come in and whisk me away from my sad, dark, and lonely life to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever?

It's not that there are no men in my life. It's just that the ones I get end up not being the hero I was hoping to find.

TV makes single life look so glamourous and exciting: carefree days of shopping and hanging out with friends, exciting evenings at the coolest night clubs and newest hangouts, and an endless string of romantic dates with charming people who are hopelessly in love with you all ending in hot, passionate sex. If that really is what single life is, then I must be doing something terribly wrong because that's not my life.

I think the biggest problem is that my expectations are too high and possibly a little distorted. But who can blame me when my childhood was filled with the likes of Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty?

Since I was a young child, I had imagined what it would be like when I finally fell in love. I imagined the intense emotion that would consume me and make it impossible to even consider being with anyone else. And I waited and waited to feel that feeling, until one day he opened the door and I fell. Hard. And the feeling was everything I had imagined it to be, both the good and the bad. But the one thing I forgot to imagine was what it would feel like to fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back. That's a pain I could never have prepared myself for.

But with role models like Zack and Kelly, Ross and Rachel, and Carrie and Big, it's no surprise that I believe that my futile cling to the possibility of "eventually" will yeild results when in fact, I'm just wasting my time and growing older.

So, I go out. I go to bars and singles groups and random classes and anything else that I think might create for me a new pool of potentials to choose from. I go out on first dates that lead to nowhere because I know that the man of my dreams isn't going to just fall into my lap one night while I'm sitting at home. Sometimes I managed to go out with someone for an extended amount of time, but all these situations produce the same result eventually: the end. Not "happily ever after" but "the end". Then I have to start all over again.

Obviously this system isn't working. Time for a new plan of action.

So, I let my friends and family talk me into joining eHarmony. Why not, right? I mean, there are commercials telling me about this couple and that couple that met on eHarmony and now live happily ever after. Why not me?

But again, those lofty ideas of what my romance should look like get in my way. I'm firm in my "must haves" because they are non-negotible to me. And I dismiss anyone who I feel lives too far away because I want someone I can hang out with and I don't really want to move. Then I go through what few matches I have left and my heart sinks because of those, attraction doesn't set in. At all.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for Adonis. In fact, I've learned the hard way that guys who are better looking than myself are usually arrogent jerks who know the are good looking. But I do want someone who I can imagine myself kissing at some point in the future. Because what good is it to marry someone who you are not at all attracted to?

It makes me feel shallow, feeling this way. And then I start to feel even worse because I wonder if this is what is wrong with me. Perhaps eHarmony is just a polite way of saying "even the homely can get married" and I'm just yet another mousy girl no one can imagine kissing, so I'm forced to go to the computer and ask some souless mathematical algorithm to find someone who can tolerate me. Maybe all those years I worked to undo the childhood damage to my self-esteem has been wasted because contrary to what my parents told me, the other kids didn't say those things "because they're jealous" or "to make themselves feel better", but in reality because they were true. Maybe the biggest disillusionment I've created for myself is not my idea of what romance should look like, but rather that I could ever be someone who could be loved that way in the first place.

Maybe I'm going to end up having to just settle for whatever I can get, the first person who figures that they would be able to tolerate me for a lifetime even if it's a passionless and semi-platonic kind of relationship. Maybe giving up my childhood hopes and dreams of true love is the only way that I will be able to avoid spending the rest of my life labeled as "single".

Or maybe I should just get a dog. Maybe that would solve all my problems right there.

The more time I spend with Jade, the more I realize that the things I'm looking for in my future relationship are consistanly given to me without question by the innocent puppy who loves me unconditionally and without reservation. She's always happy to see me, never making me feel like I'm interrupting or imposing on her time. She cuddles next to me and is very free with the kisses (sometimes a bit too much so, but who am I to complain?). She only sees the good in me and never holds my anger or frustration against me. And she trust me. Without hesistation, without doubt, without fear. Complete and honest trust.

And isn't that the kind of love that I'm looking for anyway?