This Little Piggy...

As February marches us closer to that wretched day of romance and coupledom, I find myself becoming increasingly bitter and frustrated with my single status. I growl threateningly at the radio for playing commercials about jewelery and flowers. I yell at the TV for lying to me about the idea of that "if your heart is open love will always find a way in" (thanks a lot, Jane Seymour!). I dread the upcoming weddings I will be attending in the next couple of months and feel scorn and disgust with those couples generic enough to set their date for the 14th of February.

And I think (as well as say) a whole lot of things I don't really mean because I'm not really as hateful as this month makes me out to be.

I got the idea this year to take back the day and spend it having fun with my single Single friends. But then I realized I only have two. How sad is that? Only three of us in the world who have no one else to spend Valentine's Day with. I won't even get Jade for the day because Derrick doesn't work on Saturdays.

Just as I was reaching the depths of my self-pity something finally happened to take my mind off my lack of romantic options. The only stress trigger that is stronger than that of being single: money. Or to be more specific: the LACK of money!

All thoughts of my pathetic life fly out my of my mind as I start to realize that I'm on brink of losing everything. The threats are coming in and I have no way to stop them because there is a hole in my bank account that keeps getting deeper despite my best efforts to fill it. Suddenly I remember that I'm drowning and it doesn't matter if I'm single or not. I'm about to go under and not be able to resurface and it scares the self-pity right out of me.

I don't know what to do. Derrick will be moving in with me next month, but a reduction in the rent I pay isn't going to be enough. I'm going to have to do the unthinkable: get a second job.

It's not that I haven't done it before; worked two jobs and/or went to school while working. My life in Tennessee was marked by clocking out from one job and into the next with a few classes thrown in the midst. But I've gotten used to the freedom that a day time, regularly scheduled job brings. I like having my evenings and weekends free, being able to make plans for next week or next month, being able to drop everything and visit out of town friends whenever I want. A second job will be putting the breaks on all that luxury. Sad.

I've scheduled a couple of days off next week so that I can try and pull myself, and hopefully my life, back into some semblance of order. I don't know what I'm going to do, but knowing that I'm going to be doing something about my mess keeps me from going into full blown panic attack. There will be some job searching and a lot of attacking the apartment with a scrub brush. I hope four days is enough.

My friend Steph offered to let me run away to her place for a little while. I've been told by a couple different people that I tend to run away from my problems, and they are probably right, but I'm taking Steph up on the offer anyway. Thanks to her and the upcoming long weekend, I'm going to escape from my reality for a few days. Instead of spending my pathetic existance alone on Valentine's Day, I'm going to surround myself with the greatest kids in Washington, all of whom love me just because I'm me.

We'll play and laugh and not worry about what's going on in Vancouver and when I return, I'll have a clear, calm head, a clean apartment, and hopefully a plan to start taking back the responsibility that I've been avoiding for far too long.

---------

And the Scarlett in me raises her voice once more: I'll worry about that tomorrow!

---------