Welcome To My Life.... In 2009

Well, here we are. A new year and new experiences. And that's a good thing, right? Well, it will be if some things change for me. And soon.

2009 hasn't started out all that great yet. I've always hated New Year's anyway....

The problem with New Year's Eve is that after the clock strikes 12 and the ball drops and the confetti flies and the kisses are delivered, then what? We anticipate the night as if it holds some magic fairy dust that will not only change the year we live in but also instantly transform our lives into something other than what it actually is. When reality is that once the party is over, you wake up the next morning to realize that it's still just your life with a different calendar. And there's nothing special about that. Even if you start off with the good intentions of finally fulfilling this year's resolutions, it's still you and your habits that keep you from having the life you wish that you had instead of the life you do.

I knew that there was an expiration date. I just didn't realize that the Best if Used By date was December 31, 2008. And even though I knew it would happen and was prepared for the inevitable parting of ways, it's still a little sad. No, it's a lot sad. I feel like Cinderella, losing the magical illusion on the stroke of midnight. One second he's there, and then *poof*, it's all over. And once again, I'm standing at my front door, wondering why it's just me.

It make me re-evaluate my plans for my tomorrows. I mean, what if this year isn't different? What if it's just more of the same and before I know it, I'll be starting yet another year the same way? What if this is the best I can expect for my life?

I once read that some people are single for a season. I suppose some seasons are longer than others, but the fact is they eventually change their status. Other people, according the story, are single for a reason. As I watch the seasons parade past me again and again, I can't help but think that perhaps I'm just a Reason. And unfortunately, no amount of good New Year's intentions will ever make me anything else.

Okay, here's my secret: I'm really tired of being single. So tired, in fact, that my original plan for the year of 2009 was to finally get married. I even took the steps of signing up on eHarmony. I've started communication with a couple of guys and everything.

But tonight, I sit here feeling discouraged and hopeless. I wonder what's the point of continuing to try when they always end up the same way. I go forward each time, hoping and believing this time could be different, because I keep expecting my life to follow the formula of my favorite movies. But my life is not a movie and there is no guarantee that happily ever after is in the cards for me. Reasons don't get that luxury.

So, after all my hard work, I relapsed and called him. Yes, the him who broke my heart over and over again, who I've cried oceans over, who was the source of inspiration for my Impov Class Fantasy assignment (for those of you who haven't read it, you can find the story on my myspace. It's REALLY cute). I hadn't talked to him since my birthday, not even to say Merry Christmas or check up on him during the unusually snowy weather. My mom was proud of me and I was actually feeling pretty good too. But something about the same start to the new year made me weak and I called him. I just didn't want to be alone at that moment.

(Don't worry, I've already been yelled at twice for relapsing. No one else needs to scold me for my moment of weakness)

How do I discribe my relationship to him? He's like the Big to my Carrie, except without the sex. There's something that always draws him to me when I'm about to move on and me to him when I'm feeling lonely and sad. He is at the same time the source of my greatest pleasure and my deepest pain.

We went to the movies then hung out at his house and listened to some music and talked. Nothing happened, nothing changed, nothing came of it. I left knowing full well that tomorrow would not bring a change in our situation. Now it's back to life as I always know it: sans man.

I had been really tired leading up to New Year's. The combination of the Christmas holiday and the new responsibility of puppy-sitting was taking it's toll and I was crashing hard at the end of the night. But suddenly I'm finding that sleep alludes me these days. The other night I didn't even close my eyes until 9:00 in the morning and then only for about three hours. I figured that would lead to an early bedtime the next night, but no. Still sleepless at 2 or 3 in the morning. Even tonight, knowing that tomorrow begins another week of work, I resist heading up to the bed that's not yet calling my name. Just so everyone is clear, that is a sign of depression.

It won't last. Eventually I'll bounce back and go back to my search with my usual hopeful gusto and zealous determination. I won't stay down for long. But tonight, I sigh and worry about what the new year will and won't bring in the days to come.....