Saying Good-bye.....Again

Break-ups suck. Even those that are amicable and mutual. Suddenly you feel awkward and uncomfortable around that person you used to feel comfortable and causual around. Conversations that used to just flow are strained, silences that used to be comforting are awkward, and you don't know what the new rules are. Can we remain friends? What is approprate to say and not say? How do I fill those days I used to reserve for that other person?

I'm tired of being single. The problem is that in order to remedy that, I must date. And chances are that dating will just end up leading to yet another break-up. Which, of course, I hate.

The worst part of break-ups is watching the other person move on without you. This time isn't so bad for me because I wasn't really involved in his life other than the little bit we were together. We shared our own little world together and then went back to our real lives the next day. I never met his family, never knew his friends, barely even knew where he works or goes to school. The life he leads when he's not around me is a mystery to me, so knowing that he'll be moving on doesn't really bother me. It just is what it is. Besides, he's applying for a job on the East Coast, so he'll end up following the rules and moving away. All my break-ups eventually result in someone moving, giving the one left behind a chance to start fresh too.

All except one. But he's not important tonight.

Tonight he stopped by. We used to always hang out on Wednesday nights. Over the course of the past few months, he's managed to leave a lot of little things over here, so he came by to get them as well as return the book that he had borrowed from me. He invited me to get something to eat. We decided to walk a little before dinner, so we drove to the walkway by the river and walked and chatted. Not about anything of real consequence. I thought about how the other one and I took the same walk shortly after our break-up. It's going to start to become a very unhappy place for me if I'm not careful.

Dinner was uneventful. Except for when his phone rang and he finally answered it (it had already rang about 5 times which he ignored). It was the first time I actually heard him say my name to someone. I wish I could have felt good about it, but it was sad. Now he can admit who I am because he's no longer dating me. Sad, sad, sad.

After we finished dinner, he brought me home and came in to get his stuff. Then was the awkward "how do we say good-bye?" It was strange because it wasn't like we don't like each other and never want to see one another again, but we both knew that we probably won't. I didn't cry, just gave him a hug, told him that it had been fun, and walked him to the door. He stepped outside and turned around and looked at me and smiled. "This is exactly like that moment when I stepped outside, turned around and looked at you and then stepped back inside and kissed you the first time," he said. I know, I had been thinking the same thing. "I'm glad I did," he told me. Me too. I leaned over, softly kissed him good-bye and shut the door. Then I started to cry.

He was a good guy. I learned a lot from him. I will always look back on our time together as a very positive experience. I wish that I could tell him thank you for everything he's taught me. Yes, I'm sad and yes, I'll miss him. But the time has come for us to say good-bye.


I hate break-ups. I hate moving on. I hate trying and failing to make a relationship work. I hate going through the entire process. I really don't want to stay single, but for a few days after a break-up, I can only remember how much I hate the ending that inevitably comes from dating.

I hate the not being able to sleep and forgetting to eat that comes from my distress. I hate the hopeless and lost and lonely feeling I get. I hate being discouraged. And I hate adding yet another heartache to my ever growing list.

And most of all, I hate feeling like it's my fault. I hate feeling like I should have been better, done more, tried harder. I hate wondering if their lives are any different because I was once in it. I hate thinking that they probably wasted their time with me and would have been better off if I hadn't stepped in. I hate that break-ups are a breeding ground for the negative thoughts I battle everyday.

On the other hand, break-ups do tend to force changes for me. My last break-up in Tennessee forced me to admit that I hated that place and got me to pack up and finally come home. The devastating break-up, the heartbreak from hell, the one I still feel like I'll never get over, forced me to finally seek some help with my bouts of depression and got me on Prozac which has made the past year and a half so much easier to deal with. And thanks to what I learned from the counselor after that break-up, I'm ready to let this break-up take me to a more introspective area. Since I'm aware this time of the dangers my negative thoughts can have, especially during this time, I've decided to start myself on a personal devotion path. I've got a book that I had read once before with my girlfriends when we were doing our woman's bible study called Every Thought Captive and it deals with the things that I will be dealing with in the next few days: the thoughts of worthlessness, depression, self-depreciating talk.... all those lies that women allow themselves to believe that keeps them from being the healthy, happy women of God that we were designed to be. I'm hoping that it not only helps me keep my thoughts (and ultimately feelings and emotions) under control, but that it will provide me an opportunity to be honest with myself and God about what I really need. I'll be keeping an online blog about my journey and what I discover as I go through it, but for now it's going to be kept to myself due to the rawness of my emotions and the level of vulnerability I'm going to put into it. However, once I get comfortable in it, I might open it up to people I trust later down the road. I'll let you know if and when I get to that point, and until then I'll keep you informed of the progress I'm making.

Oh, speaking of God and what I really need:

When I got to work this morning, I pulled up my email as I always do. I get a daily verse sent to my work email, but I always have it immediately sent to a personal folder so that it doesn't take up space in my inbox. Sometimes I remember to check it out and sometimes I don't. Today I did. It read: "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me" (John 14:1)

Funny, I've heard that verse many times in my 31 years, but today was the first time it felt like Jesus talking to Deema.

"Don't worry, don't cry. We'll get you through this. I promise."