Scenes From a Window

I'm having a hard time concentrating on my work this morning. My attention keeps getting drawn outside. When I turn my head, these are the scenes that I encounter:

The radio says that it will all turn into rain and go away by the time that I get off work tonight. It's so not fair! I'd much rather be out there, playing in the snow than inside doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing.

A Quiet Weekend

Mom and Don went to the boat show this weekend, so they asked Derrick and me to stay at their house with the dogs. I like going out there because it's like a nice little get away from my real world. They have a large house with a park-like yard for their three labs to run and play in. Derrick and I both like being out there with the dogs, so Derrick, Jade and I spent the weekend out there.

We got some snow last night. I love it when it snows. And of all the places to be, mom's house is the best. There are no cars driving by to mess up the beautiful white scenery, just some dogs running around enjoying the soft, white powder. It's really rather peaceful and soothing.


Jade had fun playing with the big dogs. She's learning to be a proper dog from them. It's so cute to see her following the other dogs around, trying to be one of their pack. She even has to be fed at the same time as them, even though we normally just let her eat at her own time and pace.

Of course there is a downside to having Jade out at mom's house. When she's at my house, I watch her constantly because my house is not yet puppy-proof and I don't want her chewing on things she shouldn't be chewing on. The same goes for Derrick at his house. But since mom already has three dogs (one of which was once a puppy herself), we forget to watch Jade at all times. So she chews on stuff. Like power cords. Like...MINE! Oh, crap!

Now I need a new one....

Re-Color My World

It seems that I've developed a twitch in my left eye. It's pretty low-grade and sporatic, but it's there. I can't pinpoint precisely when it began, but I know it was within the last few days. And I can't put my finger on what exactly triggers it since I only just started really taking note and paying attention. From what I understand, an eye twitch is usually set off by a major amount of stress and it really doesn't make sense for me to have one because, as most of my friends seem delighted in quickly pointing out, what do I know about stress? I mean, what does a care-free, irresponsible single girl-about-town have to be stressed out about anyway?

And yet, there it is: *twitch, twitch, twitch*

In a way it's kind of funny, actually. Funny in the same way that I found it funny when my doctor diagnosed me as depressed and put me on Prozac. It's another one of those things I imagined to be brought on by extreme circumstances. So either I was wrong and it doesn't really take much, or I am completely oblivious to how extreme my situations have become. Either way, I can only chuckle.

But on to more important things: my clothes.

I've been realizing lately how careless I've been lately with my appearance. There was once a time when I would not leave the house without lip gloss and I would put sparkles on my face just for fun. I wore pretty dresses and gorgeous shoes and enjoyed color. Lately my make-up is dull and minimal, jeans and jammie pants are my preference (for work, it's a jean skirt, which is only a slight step up), and black seems to be my staple color. How did this happen? When did the color fade from my closet? How could I have lost my sparkle? I'm not sure if my mood is the culprit or the casualty of this lack of interest, but I suspect that the two go hand-in-hand. So, since I'm on a kick to shake things up and do some new things to get me out of my "old lady" rut, I decided to start in my closet.

The first thing I did was put my clean clothes away. And in doing so, I noticed the start of the problem. I was living out of my laundry baskets. I would wash clothes and then fold them and put them back in the basket, but then stop. Then when it was time to get ready in the morning, I would reach for what was in the basket rather then make the trek to the closet. So I ended up wearing the same things over and over. I lost my need for creativity by doing this.

After hanging everything up in the closet like it was supposed to be, I found that I enjoyed getting up and deciding on what to wear to work again. And my effort showed. The first thing my work study student said when she came into my office was "Wow, you look pretty! Do you have a lunch date?"

I also bought some new make-up. And Saturday, even though I wasn't doing anything special, I added a little sparkle to my cheeks. And the difference it made to my mood was astounding.

It feels good to start feeling like me again. I can never again let some guy (or anyone else) steal my sparkle!

Making Change

I'm a creature of habit. I like having a set routine, knowing what I'm going to be doing every week, being able to plan my schedule. I always eat at the same food joints, shop at specific stores, and run around with all the usual suspects. It makes me feel safe, comfortable, and slightly in control of my sometimes out of control life.

But I'm also a Sagitarian. Which means that every couple years or so, I need to shake things up, break up the routine, and/or get a change of scenery. I start getting restless and irritable, bored and a little destructive. Sometimes little changes cure this: rearranging my living environment is a quick and easy fix that usually takes the edge off a little. Other times it requires moving across the country or suddenly changing career paths to fix it. Something, anything, that forces a new set of habits and outlook for my future.

Change is both desired and resisted by me. It's at the same time a friend and an enemy to the different sides of me. Change is Deema's frenemy.

Today the desire for change is outweighing my preference for routine. And I'm afraid that simply moving my furniture won't be enough.

So, how should I go about making the desired changes this time? I've got a few ideas and I'm weighing through the pros and cons of each option.

The community center near my apartment has some interesting looking classes coming up. There are two in particular that I'm considering. One is a dance class. It's kind of like an updated, night-club version of ballroom dancing, which I think is neat. I've always wanted to take a ballroom dancing class but I realize that it's kind of silly since no one ballroom dances any more. But it would be nice to at least feel like I'm a little coordinated if/when I go out to dance clubs. Besides, I need to get out and do something that moves my body once in awhile. The other class is a basic digital photography class. It will give me the basics of my camera so that I can use it to get optimum pictures. That's a step. I'd like to eventually take a photography class that will help me learn to take very beautiful and artistic pictures, like my friend Riikka does. Her pictures are so gorgous that I read her blog just for the chance to see what she's taking a picture of (I would read it to keep up on her life, but she writes most of it in Finnish so I have no idea what she's writing about. But the pictures are lovely). But so far I haven't found a class that teaches that at a time that I can make, so I will have to settle for learning to take lovely normal pictures. Since the classes are at the community center, they are not too expensive and they are only for a short period of time (the photography class is only one night) rather than a whole quarter or semester, like at the college.

I'm also thinking about joining a new group at the church. It's for the singles ages 30 and older. They meet for bible study on Friday nights, so I'm going to make an appearance tonight and see what I think. I'm a little hesitant to committ to joining the group right now. I don't see the logic in holding bible study on a Friday night. Especially for single people. I mean, I would understand if they had a standing Friday night activities night, but not bible study. It's hard to imagine that many single people turn down a Friday night date because they would rather go to the church and read about Revelations. But, hey, maybe it will be better than I am expecting. Maybe there is more to it than what I imagine when I think "bible study". If nothing else, it's time for me to make some more single friends. I think I'm down to two now. And I rarely hang out with either of them any more. There is another group I COULD join, but they are the singles ages 18 to 30 and I really think it's time for me to start mingling with more grown-up singles. If I ever want out if this status, I need to meet people who are also ready for a new status.

Speaking of being more grown-up, I discovered that there are channels on my TV past the Disney Channel. I actually found other channels that play some of my favorite "grown-up" shows like House, CSI, and Sex and the City. I haven't had Disney on all week. It got me thinking.... maybe that's something else that is due for a change. On the other hand, my brother acusses me of acting like I'm "over 30". Yes, that's what I am, but is it really necessary to completely lose touch with the simple and childish things that keep me young? How do I find a balance between the little girl I used to be and the old woman I seem to be becoming?

I'm also considering changing careers. Or at least applying for a new job. This one does have a lot of pros and cons attached to it. The biggest being that I would have to move to California if I got it. But, don't worry, the chances of me getting it are very, very, very close to non-existant. See, it's for an Assistant Controller and it would be the direct supervisor of my youngest brother. Since most companies have a rule against relatives working with, let alone supervising, each other, I'm not hopeful. But it makes me feel good to know that I'm making that attempt. I'm hoping that even just preparing myself mentally for a big change like that, even if it doesn't actually happen, will be enough to kick me into a new routine.

I'm not sure what tomorrow holds for me, but I'm tired of waiting around. I really want to get out there and do something, make something, BE something. If good things aren't going to just happen for me, then I'll have to get out there and MAKE them happen.

Quick Update

For everyone who is worried because they remember how hard the last break-up was on me (Prozac anyone???), I just wanted to let you know that I am doing fine. Sure, I have my moments of being sad, but I'm not letting it get to me. And while I still hesitate a little at the idea of diving immediately back into the dating pool, I am not allowing myself to retreat and lose all my progress. I've made a few more communication matches on eHarmony and I'm sorting through some ideas on getting out once in awhile. I'm maintaining a healthy and positive attitude and last night I finally got a good night's sleep, so I'm feeling a lot better.

I'm moving forward, not wallowing in the disappointment and depression like before. And I'm working hard at keeping those self-loathing thoughts silent.

I really will be fine. But thank you for loving me enough to worry. I love you all!

Saying Good-bye.....Again

Break-ups suck. Even those that are amicable and mutual. Suddenly you feel awkward and uncomfortable around that person you used to feel comfortable and causual around. Conversations that used to just flow are strained, silences that used to be comforting are awkward, and you don't know what the new rules are. Can we remain friends? What is approprate to say and not say? How do I fill those days I used to reserve for that other person?

I'm tired of being single. The problem is that in order to remedy that, I must date. And chances are that dating will just end up leading to yet another break-up. Which, of course, I hate.

The worst part of break-ups is watching the other person move on without you. This time isn't so bad for me because I wasn't really involved in his life other than the little bit we were together. We shared our own little world together and then went back to our real lives the next day. I never met his family, never knew his friends, barely even knew where he works or goes to school. The life he leads when he's not around me is a mystery to me, so knowing that he'll be moving on doesn't really bother me. It just is what it is. Besides, he's applying for a job on the East Coast, so he'll end up following the rules and moving away. All my break-ups eventually result in someone moving, giving the one left behind a chance to start fresh too.

All except one. But he's not important tonight.

Tonight he stopped by. We used to always hang out on Wednesday nights. Over the course of the past few months, he's managed to leave a lot of little things over here, so he came by to get them as well as return the book that he had borrowed from me. He invited me to get something to eat. We decided to walk a little before dinner, so we drove to the walkway by the river and walked and chatted. Not about anything of real consequence. I thought about how the other one and I took the same walk shortly after our break-up. It's going to start to become a very unhappy place for me if I'm not careful.

Dinner was uneventful. Except for when his phone rang and he finally answered it (it had already rang about 5 times which he ignored). It was the first time I actually heard him say my name to someone. I wish I could have felt good about it, but it was sad. Now he can admit who I am because he's no longer dating me. Sad, sad, sad.

After we finished dinner, he brought me home and came in to get his stuff. Then was the awkward "how do we say good-bye?" It was strange because it wasn't like we don't like each other and never want to see one another again, but we both knew that we probably won't. I didn't cry, just gave him a hug, told him that it had been fun, and walked him to the door. He stepped outside and turned around and looked at me and smiled. "This is exactly like that moment when I stepped outside, turned around and looked at you and then stepped back inside and kissed you the first time," he said. I know, I had been thinking the same thing. "I'm glad I did," he told me. Me too. I leaned over, softly kissed him good-bye and shut the door. Then I started to cry.

He was a good guy. I learned a lot from him. I will always look back on our time together as a very positive experience. I wish that I could tell him thank you for everything he's taught me. Yes, I'm sad and yes, I'll miss him. But the time has come for us to say good-bye.


I hate break-ups. I hate moving on. I hate trying and failing to make a relationship work. I hate going through the entire process. I really don't want to stay single, but for a few days after a break-up, I can only remember how much I hate the ending that inevitably comes from dating.

I hate the not being able to sleep and forgetting to eat that comes from my distress. I hate the hopeless and lost and lonely feeling I get. I hate being discouraged. And I hate adding yet another heartache to my ever growing list.

And most of all, I hate feeling like it's my fault. I hate feeling like I should have been better, done more, tried harder. I hate wondering if their lives are any different because I was once in it. I hate thinking that they probably wasted their time with me and would have been better off if I hadn't stepped in. I hate that break-ups are a breeding ground for the negative thoughts I battle everyday.

On the other hand, break-ups do tend to force changes for me. My last break-up in Tennessee forced me to admit that I hated that place and got me to pack up and finally come home. The devastating break-up, the heartbreak from hell, the one I still feel like I'll never get over, forced me to finally seek some help with my bouts of depression and got me on Prozac which has made the past year and a half so much easier to deal with. And thanks to what I learned from the counselor after that break-up, I'm ready to let this break-up take me to a more introspective area. Since I'm aware this time of the dangers my negative thoughts can have, especially during this time, I've decided to start myself on a personal devotion path. I've got a book that I had read once before with my girlfriends when we were doing our woman's bible study called Every Thought Captive and it deals with the things that I will be dealing with in the next few days: the thoughts of worthlessness, depression, self-depreciating talk.... all those lies that women allow themselves to believe that keeps them from being the healthy, happy women of God that we were designed to be. I'm hoping that it not only helps me keep my thoughts (and ultimately feelings and emotions) under control, but that it will provide me an opportunity to be honest with myself and God about what I really need. I'll be keeping an online blog about my journey and what I discover as I go through it, but for now it's going to be kept to myself due to the rawness of my emotions and the level of vulnerability I'm going to put into it. However, once I get comfortable in it, I might open it up to people I trust later down the road. I'll let you know if and when I get to that point, and until then I'll keep you informed of the progress I'm making.

Oh, speaking of God and what I really need:

When I got to work this morning, I pulled up my email as I always do. I get a daily verse sent to my work email, but I always have it immediately sent to a personal folder so that it doesn't take up space in my inbox. Sometimes I remember to check it out and sometimes I don't. Today I did. It read: "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me" (John 14:1)

Funny, I've heard that verse many times in my 31 years, but today was the first time it felt like Jesus talking to Deema.

"Don't worry, don't cry. We'll get you through this. I promise."

Welcome To My Life.... In 2009

Well, here we are. A new year and new experiences. And that's a good thing, right? Well, it will be if some things change for me. And soon.

2009 hasn't started out all that great yet. I've always hated New Year's anyway....

The problem with New Year's Eve is that after the clock strikes 12 and the ball drops and the confetti flies and the kisses are delivered, then what? We anticipate the night as if it holds some magic fairy dust that will not only change the year we live in but also instantly transform our lives into something other than what it actually is. When reality is that once the party is over, you wake up the next morning to realize that it's still just your life with a different calendar. And there's nothing special about that. Even if you start off with the good intentions of finally fulfilling this year's resolutions, it's still you and your habits that keep you from having the life you wish that you had instead of the life you do.

I knew that there was an expiration date. I just didn't realize that the Best if Used By date was December 31, 2008. And even though I knew it would happen and was prepared for the inevitable parting of ways, it's still a little sad. No, it's a lot sad. I feel like Cinderella, losing the magical illusion on the stroke of midnight. One second he's there, and then *poof*, it's all over. And once again, I'm standing at my front door, wondering why it's just me.

It make me re-evaluate my plans for my tomorrows. I mean, what if this year isn't different? What if it's just more of the same and before I know it, I'll be starting yet another year the same way? What if this is the best I can expect for my life?

I once read that some people are single for a season. I suppose some seasons are longer than others, but the fact is they eventually change their status. Other people, according the story, are single for a reason. As I watch the seasons parade past me again and again, I can't help but think that perhaps I'm just a Reason. And unfortunately, no amount of good New Year's intentions will ever make me anything else.

Okay, here's my secret: I'm really tired of being single. So tired, in fact, that my original plan for the year of 2009 was to finally get married. I even took the steps of signing up on eHarmony. I've started communication with a couple of guys and everything.

But tonight, I sit here feeling discouraged and hopeless. I wonder what's the point of continuing to try when they always end up the same way. I go forward each time, hoping and believing this time could be different, because I keep expecting my life to follow the formula of my favorite movies. But my life is not a movie and there is no guarantee that happily ever after is in the cards for me. Reasons don't get that luxury.

So, after all my hard work, I relapsed and called him. Yes, the him who broke my heart over and over again, who I've cried oceans over, who was the source of inspiration for my Impov Class Fantasy assignment (for those of you who haven't read it, you can find the story on my myspace. It's REALLY cute). I hadn't talked to him since my birthday, not even to say Merry Christmas or check up on him during the unusually snowy weather. My mom was proud of me and I was actually feeling pretty good too. But something about the same start to the new year made me weak and I called him. I just didn't want to be alone at that moment.

(Don't worry, I've already been yelled at twice for relapsing. No one else needs to scold me for my moment of weakness)

How do I discribe my relationship to him? He's like the Big to my Carrie, except without the sex. There's something that always draws him to me when I'm about to move on and me to him when I'm feeling lonely and sad. He is at the same time the source of my greatest pleasure and my deepest pain.

We went to the movies then hung out at his house and listened to some music and talked. Nothing happened, nothing changed, nothing came of it. I left knowing full well that tomorrow would not bring a change in our situation. Now it's back to life as I always know it: sans man.

I had been really tired leading up to New Year's. The combination of the Christmas holiday and the new responsibility of puppy-sitting was taking it's toll and I was crashing hard at the end of the night. But suddenly I'm finding that sleep alludes me these days. The other night I didn't even close my eyes until 9:00 in the morning and then only for about three hours. I figured that would lead to an early bedtime the next night, but no. Still sleepless at 2 or 3 in the morning. Even tonight, knowing that tomorrow begins another week of work, I resist heading up to the bed that's not yet calling my name. Just so everyone is clear, that is a sign of depression.

It won't last. Eventually I'll bounce back and go back to my search with my usual hopeful gusto and zealous determination. I won't stay down for long. But tonight, I sigh and worry about what the new year will and won't bring in the days to come.....